


dissipate shadows of the mess you made

by goldengrahams



Series: Adventurer Essek [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Also goes without mentioning, Bonding, Canon Compliant up to ep-99, Coming Out, Essek's punishment is adventuring with the nein, Family Bonding, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay Essek Thelyss, Getting Together, M/M, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Post ep-97, Stupid Useless Wizard Pining, Trans Caleb Widogast, Trans Essek Thelyss, Trans Male Character, but Essek and Caleb are always trans in my fics, not really mentioned but they out here... transing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23308540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldengrahams/pseuds/goldengrahams
Summary: He’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop though-- those many months ago Beauregard and Veth had spoken of punishment, of retribution. He knew he deserved it and he was sure they meant he’d be turned in for his crimes. Executed, tortured, maybe even by the Nein themselves. It would have been a cruel fate, to be punished so severely by the only friends he’d ever held dear. Or maybe, he thought, they would leave his fate to the Assembly, or to the Queen. They did none of the above. Instead, they had held out a hand to him, welcomed him amongst their odd little patchwork group, and told him it was his job now to spread good. It was still taking him a bit of time to adjust.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Series: Adventurer Essek [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737292
Comments: 51
Kudos: 363





	dissipate shadows of the mess you made

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to some people from the Essek discord for the idea, the motivation, and the Zemnian! I love you guys <3 <3
> 
> Title is from "Mykonos" by Fleet Foxes

There’s thick reddish mud caked all over his boots that has dried now to a clumpy umber crust. He prestidigitates the mud away and looks up at Beau, confused. She tilts her head at him in a ‘can I help you’ gesture and he sighs.

There are no manacles on his wrists, no magic-dampening collars. He’d resigned from his position of Shadowhand without a whiff of the treason he’d committed being caught by the Bright Queen. He’d traded his mantle and fancy clothing for something simpler, sturdy boots and a simple tunic, trousers and coat. He has to watch how long he wears his binder now, much to his dismay. His pocket dimension contains his spellbook and his coat pockets and the bag of holding slung over his shoulder are both loaded up with every component he could possibly need for an indefinitely long journey. He’s sitting in their cart now-- Yasha and Caduceus are up front directing the horse and he and the rest of the Nein are packed into the bed of the cart. Caleb has been reading for a while now, Frumpkin settled in a purring lump around his neck. His hair is pulled back into a small bun and he’s taken his coat off, baring his arms. Essek glances over sometimes without meaning to; he notices Caleb idly rubs the scars on his arms when he’s deep in thought. He has very nice hands, Essek thinks. Veth is sprawled halfway in Jester’s lap tinkering with something while Jester doodles. Fjord is beside Essek, dozing slightly. Beau is diagonal to him. Previously she had been carving something into the floor of the cart but currently, she’s looking at him with a searching expression. 

“So this is my punishment, Beauregard?” He asks, shifting uncomfortably. 

“Yup,” Beau says, giving a sharp little smile. “Can’t wait to see how you deal with being covered in blood and swamp muck. You’re gonna _hate it_.” He gives a little huff of laughter and raises his eyebrow at her.

“You underestimate me,” he quips. “I can handle more than you give me credit for.”

“You just cleaned like. The tiniest bit of mud off your shoes with a spell, man.” She has a point and he has no counterpoint, so he huffs again, less mirthfully this time, and sits back to thumb through his spellbook. He can see her smirk out of the corner of his eye but he ignores it.

He’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop though-- those many months ago Beauregard and Veth had spoken of punishment, of retribution. He knew he deserved it and he was sure they meant he’d be turned in for his crimes. Executed, tortured, maybe even by the Nein themselves. It would have been a cruel fate, to be punished so severely by the only friends he’d ever held dear. Or maybe, he thought, they would leave his fate to the Assembly, or to the Queen. They did none of the above. Instead, they had held out a hand to him, welcomed him amongst their odd little patchwork group, and told him it was his job now to spread good. It was still taking him a bit of time to adjust. 

“How are you feeling over there, _Kennein_?” Veth asks, folding her arms and grinning. Kennein was the traveling surname they had chosen for Essek, something to remove him from his den. It wasn’t perfect-- he would likely decide on another eventually. After considering the etymology for den names, he had decided on the prefix ‘Ken’-- ‘sworn to’-- and tacked ‘nein’ on the end, for after all, he was really only sworn to them. He thought it reflected his current mindset quite well.

“I’m fine,” he says drily, setting his spellbook down. “Just settling in still, I suppose.” Her smile turns a little more genuine. 

“Yeah, it can be a bit much to get used to, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” She stretches her short legs out and then leans to the side to rummage through Beau’s bag. “Beau, do you still have that wine from your parent’s house?” Beau raises an eyebrow.

“Feel like drinking?” She asks. Essek remembers from his first encounter with their strange group that Nott-- or Veth, he supposes, for they are one and the same-- once had a drinking problem. By his understanding, it’s gotten much better, but he’s sure it’s not his place to say anything. 

“Nah, thinking I’d offer it to our new recruit,” she says, her hand gripping something inside the bag. There’s a moment where he realizes belatedly she’s tossed a bottle to him and he lurches forward, fumbling to catch it before Beau’s hand shoots out from his side and catches it deftly.

“Careful, Veth. You know the wizards aren’t athletic.” Essek bristles and out of the corner of his eye he sees Caleb bristle as well, despite being focused on his book. He can’t argue with her though, so he just deflates a little and humbly accepts the offered bottle of wine. He uncorks it and takes a sip-- it’s clearly been rolling around in the bottom of a bag for a while but it’s very good wine. Citrusy, almost, with a little nip of something spicy. He takes a small swig before offering the bottle to Beau.

“That is good wine,” he comments awkwardly as she takes it from his hands. 

“Glad you like it,” she says, only a touch sardonic as she takes a small drink of her own, “Only good thing my bastard of a father ever accomplished.” Her expression softens, pensive. “Well, that and TJ,” she says, a little sadly. She takes a bigger swig and passes the wine to Caleb. Essek decides not to push the matter, he isn’t sure he’s ever seen Beauregard look sad like that and it rattles him a little. He catches Caleb drinking from the wine bottle out of the corner of his eye and turns a little, blinking rapidly at the way his throat bobs as he swallows. Essek licks his lips and ducks his head. 

“Would you like some more, Essek?” Caleb asks, holding out the bottle to him. Essek takes the bottle. 

“Any for you, Veth? Jester?” He asks, proffering the bottle. Both women shake their heads.

“Better not,” Veth says with a wave of her hand.

“I don’t drink,” Jester says with a nearly apologetic smile. He smiles to indicate to both of them that it’s alright, and takes another sip. He tries not to think about Caleb’s lips on the bottle (which they were, mere seconds ago), tries not to think about the rosieness Cale’s lips have taken on from sipping the wine. He takes a larger swig than he means to before recorking it and handing the bottle back to Beauregard. She gently kicks Fjord awake and offers him some as Essek finds himself still thinking about Caleb’s lips on the bottle. He sighs deeply and rubs the bridge of his nose.

“Are you alright, Essek?” Jester asks, looking up from her sketching. He blinks in surprise, glad suddenly for his dark complexion to hide the warmth of his cheeks.

“Yes, yes, I am fine,” he insists. He wills himself not to look at Caleb, who has returned to his book with the same intensity as earlier. “It was simply… good wine.”

\---

They settle down for the night in a small clearing. It’s nearly dark out already, and Caleb works largely by the light of magic to set up a tiny hut for them to sleep in while Essek joins the others in readying their bedrolls for sleep. 

“It’s quite late,” Essek points out, noticing that the sun has dipped below the horizon, leaving only a deep burning red in its wake. Surely they don’t bed down this late every time-- it seems dangerous. Fjord nods as he shakes out a larger bedroll for Caduceus.

“We figured it would be better for you if we waited until it was darker.” Essek blinks.

“You waited until it was dark out for _me_? Whatever for?”

“Sunlight’s a problem for you, right? We’re trying to get you to do some good, not torture you.” Essek feels his heart clench. It is a small kindness, so subtle of an act of love, but it resonates through him anyway. They adjusted their entire routine to benefit him. It’s far more than he expected and definitely far more than he deserves.

“Ah, thank you,” he finally manages, feeling like something is caught in his throat. He swallows around it. “Well then the least I can do is keep watch through the night.”

“The whole night?” Jester asks, incredulous. “You need your sleep to get your spells back, right?” Essek shakes his head and chuckles.

“No, I don’t sleep like you do unless I absolutely must. I trance instead, and I am fully aware during it. I only need to do so for about half as long as you need to sleep, for that matter, so it is not a problem at all for me to keep watch.” 

“Aw right, I forgot elves do that,” Beau says. They look amongst each other and seem to come to an agreement.

“Yeah, we would really appreciate you taking watch, Mr. Essek.” Caduceus says with one of his soft smiles. Caleb’s head perks up at that moment.

“The hut is finished,” he says. 

“Alarms set up?” Beau asks, leaning on her staff. The look he gives her is positively withering.

“ _Ja_ , of course the alarms are set up, Beauregard. As they have been every single time I make the hut.”

“I know, it’s just been a while. Making sure you got them.” He relaxes a bit and gives her a half-smile.

“I did, thank you,” he says. She punches his arm lightly and he winces.

“Don’t mention it.”

Everyone sets up their sleeping arrangements. It ends up as what Essek can only describe as a pile, bodies half on top of each other and half-entwined. Beau, it seems, has managed to snag the coveted sleeping spot with her head pillowed on Jester’s belly. Fjord’s head is tucked against Yasha’s bicep while Jester’s head is on her thigh. Caduceus is curled around them all, allowing Yasha to rest her head on his chest. Veth is sleeping next to Beauregard with her head on Jester’s thigh. Only Caleb has not joined them. He looks to Essek expectantly. 

“You are keeping watch, _ja_?” He asks, his voice deep with tiredness.

“Yes, that was the plan,” Essek says, setting down his own bedroll. Caleb nods, more to himself than anything. 

“Wake me when you have finished trancing,” he says. His tone brooks no questions or objections.

“Alright,” Essek says, “I will.”

\---

Four hours later he’s shaking a grumbling Caleb gently awake. 

“You said to wake you,” he says, almost an apology. Caleb nods.

“ _Ja, ja_ I did. _Verdammt_. I apologize, I am not a quick riser.” Caleb scrubs at his face with his hands. Essek notices, with his night vision as good as it is, that a thin layer of stubble has grown over Caleb’s chin and jaw since he shaved before their departure the previous morning. It gives him a bit of a scruffy look, and Essek is loath to admit it looks quite handsome, if only because it’s Caleb. He squashes the thought down as Caleb carefully gets to his feet, picking his way through the tangle of slumbering bodies. 

“It is alright,” Essek says belatedly, comprehending what Caleb had said a moment too late. Caleb cracks a half-smile.

“I--ah-- hold on a moment.” There’s a moment of focus and then the dome is slightly lighter inside. Essek glances at the rest of the Nein, checking if they notice. There’s a small shift and a quiet groan from Jester but she quickly settles back into sleep, her tail curling and twitching around Yasha’s wrist. “My night vision is not as good as yours,” Caleb says. There is a soft pink on his cheeks in the dim light. Essek nods.

“Yes, do what you must. Admittedly, I am not sure why you felt the need to join me on watch.” Caleb is sitting down now, having dragged his bedroll over, and Essek joins him.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Caleb says, summoning Frumpkin with a snap of his fingers. Frumpkin crawls into Essek’s lap, purring and kneading on his thigh and he reaches down to scratch Frumpkin’s ears. “I feel we haven’t gotten the chance to speak alone in a long time.” He’s right, of course. Since their last Dunamancy lesson, he hasn’t really spoken to the other wizard without at least one other member of the Nein present. He hadn’t realized how much he missed it, this strange kinship between the two of them. He had always felt they were similar but never wanted to acknowledge it until Caleb himself had acknowledged it on the lower deck of the Balleater that pivotal night.

“Well, I am all ears. Did I use that right?” Caleb raises an eyebrow.

“Yes, you did. Is it not a Dynasty idiom as well?”

“No, it is specific to the Empire. Perhaps it should be one of ours as well, though.” He twitches his ears to make his point and it startles a laugh out of Caleb. He has a very nice laugh. 

“There are elves in the Empire. Maybe they started it.” It’s Essek’s turn to laugh, and maybe he’s seeing things, but there’s a little shine to Caleb’s eyes that wasn’t there before. Essek clears his throat, feeling his face heat again. 

“Enough of that, though. What did you want to talk to me about?” Caleb sobers and considers for a moment, carefully choosing his words. It makes Essek a little nervous, unsure if Caleb is simply choosing the words to best explain himself or if there is something he is hiding from Essek.

“I was wondering how you are settling into this new arrangement.” He says finally. Of all the things Essek had expected, he’s not sure that was one of them.

“I am fine,” he says, a bit confused. “It is still a bit strange to adjust to, but nothing I cannot handle.” Caleb makes a contemplative noise.

“I was angry,” he says, and his voice has taken on a different tone, “and very distraught, when Veth and Beauregard spoke of punishing you.” Essek realizes that Caleb has plucked a diamond from his component pouch and is turning it over and over in his hand. “I assumed they meant to turn you in to the Bright Queen, have you imprisoned or executed. Or I thought perhaps the Assembly would find out you had told us what you did and kill you themselves to eliminate a pesky loose end.”

“I was afraid of the same thing,” Essek says. He hadn’t spoken that fear aloud yet, and saying it now into the cold night air, it almost seems stupid. Frumpkin butts his hand hard with his tiny head. “I am certain I would have deserved it.”

“No,” Caleb says firmly. There are warm hands on his face suddenly, and he is being turned to look Caleb in the eyes. He averts his gaze nervously. “When I said looking at you was like looking in a mirror, that was no small admittance. Whatever punishment you believe you deserve, I deserve it twice over.” Essek blinks, shocked and horrified.

“Caleb, you honestly think that? I am a traitor to my people. I have thousands of deaths on my hands and I didn’t care until I met you all.” He sounds half-hysterical now, there are tears stinging his eyes and he blinks them away frantically. Caleb swallows and pulls his hands away, picking back up the diamond, which he had dropped. Essek mourns the loss of warmth and steadiness but it seems Caleb is at war with himself.

“Essek, I killed my own parents,” he says after the silence has hung between them for several breaths, “at the behest of the Empire and Trent Ikithon.” Essek’s stomach drops. His heart is hammering, blood roaring in his ears. He hadn’t known-- he could never have guessed. He feels sick suddenly, remembering the blasé way he had insulted Ikithon as though the man was simply a pest and not someone evil and powerful who had caused Caleb and countless others deep and terrible trauma. “I had good reason to believe the Assembly would eliminate you, and I am surprised they have not eliminated me yet. I think I would deserve it, in all honesty, but I am learning that it does not matter what we think we deserve. It matters what we are given, and you have been given a second chance, just as I was. These people changed me and I was-- I was hurt and afraid when they discussed punishing you because I was unsure why they could find an exception for me. It felt like a double standard. We were both manipulated by the Assembly, and I am glad to see this is as much punishment as you will receive for your wrongdoings. Your death wouldn’t fix things and I--” Caleb cuts off abruptly and Essek realizes that Caleb is crying, tears running down his cheeks in slow, silent rivulets. He wipes roughly at the tears and laughs a little, sad and derisive. “ _Meine Fresse_ , sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Essek says softly, barely trusting his own voice. He wishes he were not too much of a coward to reach out and take Caleb’s shaky hands, instead he gently nudges Frumpkin off his lap to comfort his owner instead. Caleb immediately buries his fingers in Frumpkin’s soft fur and it seems to soothe him. “What were you saying before?” Essek asks when he can see Caleb has calmed down. Caleb gulps and scrubs at his face with his shoulder a little more before continuing.

“Your death wouldn’t fix things,” Caleb repeats, softer now, “and even if it would, I do not think I could handle losing you. Perhaps I am a selfish man for that, but I-- I suppose I can accept that I have always been a bit selfish.” Essek swallows, turns Caleb’s face towards his, and takes a leap.

“Be selfish, then.” He says quietly. Caleb seems confused for a moment, but it dawns on him and he blinks, shocked.

“Essek,” he breathes, leaning forward, and then a noise echoes through the woods. “ _Scheiße_ ,” Caleb hisses, pulling away. Essek’s brain conjures every terrible word he knows at once as he and Caleb both get to their feet.

“I can check what that was,” Essek offers, quickly confirming that his component pouch is on his person. “I have much better vision at this time of night than you.” Caleb opens his mouth to protest and then shuts it and nods tightly.

“ _Ja_ , uh, yes, you are right. I cannot leave the dome anyway. It is probably nothing, no reason to wake everyone else yet.” Caleb seems anxious and Essek feels bad, like perhaps he pushed things too far too fast. He nods curtly and steps outside. Immediately he notices how much colder it is outside past the confines of the dome, and for a moment he misses his mantle. He moves as carefully as he can through the woods, keeping his footfalls quiet and keeping a close eye out for branches or anything he could step on. Apparently he doesn’t keep enough of an eye out as something snaps loudly under his foot. He freezes, his ears twitching, searching out any sound. He hears nothing.

Out of nowhere, there’s a hand at his neck and a sharp pain in his jaw and face. He gives a frankly undignified scream and tastes blood. He shudders, manipulating the gravity around him with one hand and pushing his attacker away as he holds his other hand to his face and _oh_ there’s so much blood, it’s pouring over his hand. He’s dizzy, but his scream attracted the rest of the Nein, who are running up behind him. The bandit has been pushed away from him and the gravitational magic has already injured them quite a bit. He takes a step back, still holding his face. He feels the searing heat of a fireball being thrown past his shoulder as Jester comes up behind him, her axe in one hand and her holy symbol gripped tightly in the other.

“Essek, you’re bleeding!” She cries, dropping her axe and running over to cup his face. She still looks sleepy, her curly hair tangled around her horns. He blinks, pulling his own hand away so she can assess the damage as she sends a ripple of healing magic through him that leaves a taste in his mouth like sweet mint. 

“Thank you,” he says. 

“I couldn’t heal it fully,” she says, “I haven’t gotten a full night of sleep so I don’t have all my best spells-- Oh Essek, that’s gonna scar your handsome face.”

“It’s fine,” he says, waving his hand perhaps a bit too flippantly, “I suppose it’s my rite of passage.” She laughs along with him but her smile is still a little pitying in the dark and he tries to ignore it.

The fight has continued without them and Jester picks up her axe to join. Essek digs through his components before it dawns on him that the Nein has already won-- in the sense that two bandits are dead and the rest are turning tail.

“ _Xsa_ ,” he mutters. “You couldn’t have let me get at any of them?” Beau turns to him wearing absolutely hideous goggles.

“I think your gravity spell killed this one,” she says, nudging a body with her foot. “Pretty sick stuff. I know you were distracted but he tried to walk closer to you and just _bam_ , down.” She bends down and looks at the body closer. “There’s blood coming out of his ears.”

“Yes, the spell will do that,” he says, reaching up to touch his face again. “Does anyone else have healing? I’m still bleeding quite a bit.” They all stare in shock.

“Oh _Schieße_ ,” Caleb says, hastily stuffing his unconsumed components back into his bag and approaching. It seems he is using some magical means to gain vision in the dark because he approaches without faltering. “Essek, are you alright? I heard you scream but I didn’t think-- your face…”

“I’m fine,” Essek interrupts.

“I should have come with you,” Caleb says, his brows pinching together.

“The dome would have dissipated,” Essek argues, “It is my fault I wasn’t more careful. Besides, if this is truly my _punishment_ , I was bound to end up getting roughed up eventually. It’s truly no matter.” Caduceus approaches then and sends another wave of healing through him. This one leaves a taste like fresh herbs in his mouth and gently warms his body.

“Thank you, Caduceus,” he says, prestidigitating the blood off his face and collar. “I’ll finish watch for the night.”

“No,” Yasha says. He’s fairly certain it’s the first time she’s heard him speak since they left in the morning. “You’re injured and you used a spell. Beau and I will take a few hours and then Veth and Fjord can take the rest.”

“I can trance, I’ll be fully aware,” he protests.

“Can elves sleep?” Beau asks, tilting her head. He still can’t get over those goggles.

“We can,” he says, “if we choose to, but we don’t _have_ to.”

“Then sleep,” Yasha says with a small smile, “and enjoy it. You’re part of a team now, and that means we take turns on watch. I’m sure it’s nice to truly sleep every once in a while even if you don’t have to.” He finally cedes, finding his own spot amongst the cuddle pile despite how awkward he feels. He eventually settles into it, his head on Jester’s arm.

And Yasha is right-- it is nice.

\---

The cut on his face becomes a large scar. He doesn’t feel as vain about it as he thought he would. It stretches a bit uncomfortably when he smiles. Years ago that would not have been a problem, but now he finds himself smiling more and more.

“I think it’s handsome,” Jester says, “like Fjord’s! It makes you look rugged. What do you think, Caleb?” He and Caleb have not talked alone again since that night and he’s trying not to read too much into that.

“It is--ah--it looks very cool, Essek.”

Essek tries not to read too much into that, either.

\---

“Okay,” Beau says one day when the cart ride becomes particularly drudging. Caduceus and Veth are up front guiding the horses. “Fuck, marry, kill, whoever wants to play.” Jester claps her hands together.

“Ooh, I love this game! Essek, have you played before? I can explain the rules!”

“No, I have not. It seems largely self-explanatory, though. I suppose I can play.” This may get embarrassing, but he’s one of them now, so why not.

“I have one rule for me personally,” Beau says, “And it’s that you’re not allowed to give me more than one guy in the list, and if you give me one I _will_ choose to kill him.”

“Seconded,” Yasha says.

“I’m not playing,” Caleb says from the side, turning a page of his book. Beau sticks her tongue out at him and he makes an obscene gesture with his hand back at her without looking up.

“I’m not playing either,” Fjord says.

“Okay,” Jester says before Essek can get a word in, “Essek, since you’re new to this you have to go first.” He sighs and nods. “The Bright Queen, The Dusk Captain and uhm… Lythir.” Essek wrinkles his nose.

“Two of my former bosses and the most annoying man alive?” He asks.

“You gotta answer, man. That’s the fun of it,” Beau says, smirking at him with crossed arms. Essek frowns.

“Unfortunate. I would have to sleep with Lythir.”

“You’d have to?” Yasha asks, confused. He sighs and pinches his nose. He supposes now is as fine a time as any. It’s not like they’re going to hate him for it after everything else.

“I am not-- interested in women,” he mutters finally. 

“Ohhhh,” Beau says, “Gross. But I guess then we have to level the playing field, that isn’t fair. If Yash and I can ask for no men, you can ask for no women. Jessie, give him a new one.”

“Oooh, okay!”

“No one who is currently in the cart,” Essek adds, trying not to look at Caleb.

“That takes all the fun out of it,” Beau protests.

“Okay Essek, I’ll give you an easy one,” Jester says, a mischievous smile on her face as she leans toward him. He shivers at the look on her face. “Lythir, Fjord, and Caleb.” 

“Jester--” he starts, but she looks so eager and he _did_ agree to play, after all. “Fine. I would kill Lythir, sleep with Fjord, and…” Fjord chokes beside him. He trails off and coughs uncomfortably, his face heating so much it feels like he’s baking in sunlight. “Marry Caleb.” 

The triumphant, scandalized shriek Jester gives in reaction nearly drowns out Caleb’s startled cough. Caleb buries his face in his book, but not fast enough for Essek to miss the deep red shade his face had turned.

He later finds out that Yasha, Beau and Jester would all sleep with the Bright Queen, which is not something he thought he’d ever need to know. It is, admittedly, an enjoyable afternoon.

\---

They’re stopped one day on the road by three giants, and Essek hates to admit it, but he’s eager to engage in his first real fight alongside the Nein. He’s never really engaged in combat, and if the last fight was any indication he isn’t great at it, but he wants to get better.

Each member of the Nein is a machine in battle. They work with each other flawlessly, combining spells and martial combat in a beautiful, deadly display. It’s incredible to watch. 

He looks through his components for a moment before deciding to forgo them. He spins his hand in a corkscrew gesture.

“ _Slyan'ssun_ ,” he mutters, and seven bright lights form and circle above his head. Probably too powerful a spell for a few giants, but there’s a small chance he’s showing off. He sends one brilliant mote of light toward the giant Fjord and Veth are fighting and it explodes in a spray of searing light. 

“Nice one, newbie!” Veth screeches as a crossbow bolt embeds itself in the giant’s shoulder. The battle continues and his motes wane. He casts a few more spells, keeping mostly out of range, though he does get battered by a few club attacks. They down the first giant and he turns on another. He flexes his fingers, sending a spell bolting towards it that halves its movement and bludgeons it, not enough to kill it but enough to put a decent dent in it.

“Essek, watch out!” Jester yells from several yards away, but he doesn’t hear it fast enough.

He isn’t sure how to describe the feeling of being crushed by a massive rock, but it certainly isn’t pleasant. He wonders if this is what it felt like when he had crushed people’s torsos with Dunamancy and suddenly he feels a bit remorseful. Luckily the stone does not land on top of his ribcage, though it does land on the lower half of his arm. He grits his teeth and forces it off with a quick incantation. He can hear the sounds of battle continuing around him, though it seems they have killed another giant. His vision goes fuzzy and he realizes belatedly that he’s losing blood at rapid speed. It barely passes his mind that he is out of range of a beacon. He feels a spell that tingles through his body like mint and his wounds knit back together. Then another, more herbal. He’s never been a religious man, but he mentally thanks the Wildmother and the Traveller in tandem. He barely has a moment to sit up and comprehend that the battle is over before a red and purple blur is flying into his arms, nearly knocking him flat again. 

“ _Es tut mir Leid_. Essek, you-- you are alright?” There are warm, sooty hands cupping his face, and blue eyes intense with worry are trained on him. He reels for a moment in shock and then manages a nod.

“Yes-- yes, I’m fine, just--” is all he manages, and then Caleb is kissing him. He’s stunned, for a moment. Caleb’s lips are warm, a little chapped. There’s a few days worth of stubble scraping against his jaw and Caleb is kneeling over him and the angle is a bit awkward, but it’s perfect. He groans quietly into the kiss and reaches up with his less sore arm, tangling his fingers in Caleb’s long, red hair. He pulls it from the tie on accident and tugs on Caleb’s hair. Caleb makes a breathless sound into his mouth and swipes his tongue out against Essek’s lower lip. Essek opens his mouth, groaning low in his throat, and Caleb’s tongue swipes over his teeth. 

“You have fangs,” Caleb murmurs as he pulls back, a breath away.

“I do,” he says, dizzy and warm all over, his lap full of Caleb.

“That’s hot,” Caleb hisses, his pupils large and dark, “the scar too. I can feel it when I kiss you.” Essek melts back into Caleb, kissing him like the world will end if he doesn’t. 

“Mm, Caleb,” he sighs, pulling back again. Caleb blinks in confusion and stares at him.

“ _Ja_?” He asks, and _Luxon_ , he’s so handsome. How did Essek get so lucky?

“You should be selfish more often.” Caleb laughs, a bright and joyful sound. He must decide Essek is right, because seconds later he’s dipping back down to steal more kisses from Essek with all the intensity he usually saves for spellwork. Essek could so easily get lost in the whims of this brilliant, passionate man. 

He can think of no better punishment in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations for Zemnian/Undercommon  
> Zemnian:  
> Verdammt - Dammit  
> Meine Fresse - Literally "My Face/Mug", similar to "For fuck's sake"  
> Scheiße - shit  
> Es tut mir Leid - I am sorry
> 
> Undercommon:  
> Xsa - Dammit  
> Slyan'ssun - starlight
> 
> Kudos, Comments and Bookmarks appreciated!!


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